Look deeper to find me

Riddle of my life

2009-12-24T10:52:56Z

I try to push it to the back of my mind but it resolutely occupies my thoughts.
I attempt to avoid it by hiding myself in corners of meaningless tasks but it always finds me.
I run away but end up tripping over it.
I hide beneath the covers but find that it has gotten under my skin.
And frighteningly enough, might be actually here to stay.

mrs_purefoy @ 2009-12-23T14:00:00

2009-12-23T06:00:52Z

The state of my room - total disarray. I am starting to realise that it is not possible, to pack my entire wardrobe. After putting in my coats and boots, my luggage is almost filled up. I might have just gone a little bit overboard with the buying of coats. -_-

*

My break

2009-11-21T09:21:48Z

I don't know about you all, but reprieve during this intense period of slogging comes in the form of the milk pan from Provence. Piping hot from the oven (cold works just fine too), soft outer bread layer, oozing custard cream with a hint of alcohol sends me to yummy heaven. =)

I needed a distraction. From superior sounding idiotic journal writers who assert their own theories numerous times as better than other people's. Back to them now I am afraid.

A shift, a change.

2009-11-04T14:58:37Z

As of tomorrow, I have
Thurs- French test
Fri-German vocab test
Over weekend - rewrite 2 articles
Mon-German semester exam
Tues- French test and listening compre
Wed-3217 exam
Fri-French grammar test and 3211 project due plus presentation in class

During which I have to go for driving (test on 20 nov) and finish up a brochure and a website and plan a party for a friend.

It must be karma. I happily boasted during reading week that I have no projects and no mid terms. It is all coming back to haunt me.

I also received a 2nd C grade, bringing a total of 2 Cs for 50% of a module.

Normally in times like these I would quote to myself Matthew 6:25 or Isaiah or Phillipians, but today the only thing that was on my mind was a line from a song You give and take away, yet still my heart will say, blessed by Your name.

My heart is singing.

Anyway, I will be making a permanent shift to this blog after my exams, when I have time (and the necessary expertise) to format it nicely.

mrs_purefoy @ 2009-01-04T21:26:00

2009-01-04T13:33:58Z

I find it so incredibly stupid that each time I cry, I cry for myself and myself alone. I always thought tears should be shed for worthy causes, for other the griefs of others, but no, my innately selfish nature makes me cry only when I am hurt and upset or miserable.
So I cried today, at how ironic it was, that I am blessed abundantly with good friends everywhere except the place where it matters the most, and I cried at the perception that I am not really a part of this, and I cried when I saw how I am left out mainly because of myself. Is He challenging me to overcome this intimidating obstacle? Am I too oversensitive? Whatever it is, it is hurting me so badly, I want to talk to someone so badly just to hear words of wisdom, or denial of all this, or a reprimand to pull myself together, but there is no one.

Revelation?

2008-08-30T05:51:30Z

There is a certain restlessness, a search for something elusive I have observed in most atheists, agnostics, and free thinkers. They are constantly seeking for that which they cannot place a finger upon. They grasp thinly at the straws of knowledge, always looking, trying out new things, for want of something else, but never finding.

And I have already chanced upon this treasure, and the way ahead is lighted up with such clarity that to ignore it is nothing short of stupdity. Yet I find myself straying, procrastinating, lingering in the valley of earthly pleasures, desires, commitments, and not taking so much as a step onto the narrow path that all of us Christians must take. What is this that is hindering, crippling my walk with Him? Look deeper and perhaps I will find what I really need to find, essential tools that I needed in the first place? Je ne sais quoi.

mrs_purefoy @ 2008-07-27T21:50:00

2008-07-27T13:53:21Z

So He was telling me,
Why are you so distracted by other people's spiritual growth? That is between them and Me, and nothing to do with you. Now why not you concentrate on your walk with Me instead?
I felt so ashamed.

mrs_purefoy @ 2008-06-15T15:32:00

2008-06-15T07:40:08Z

I have been clearing the clutter in my mind blocking the way towards a better walk with Him. I thought most of it was created by the devil but the truth of the matter is most of it was a product of my own thoughts, feelings and the infaliibility of my own human nature. Thanks Jeremy Wee and Ezra for giving me advice on how to get rid of rubbish. Now it is up to me to go ahead and continue to clear up the rest that is hindering.

Check

2008-04-17T04:59:40Z

"You want to sink before you can swim"

Suddenly, this line jumped out at me whilst listening to one of my favorite playlists. Coldplay, of course, with its usual sensible angst hits home at a point in time when everything seems to be at its lowest. It is true that I love wallowing deeper in the quagmire of self pity each day instead of struggling to make my way to up, up and up.

Give me balloons and let me fly away, away to You, away from these things that tie me down to the earth.

<3 for answering almost all of my prayers.
Check protection for family and friends, who are all still alive and kicking as far as I know.
Check a smooth semester in uni, with plenty of time to get to know myself better.
Check a relatively stree-free life right now.
Pending a certain request which I know will not be answered anytime soon but requires the cultivation of a quality called patience.

mrs_purefoy @ 2008-03-02T21:34:00

2008-03-02T13:54:17Z

I know it doesn't seem that way
But maybe it's the perfect day
Even though the bills are piling
And maybe Lady Luck ain't smiling

But if we'd only open our eyes
We'd see the blessings in disguise
That all the rain clouds are fountains
Though our troubles seem like mountains

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start

Every now and then life says
Where do you think you're going so fast
We're apt to think it cruel but sometimes
It's a case of cruel to be kind

And if we'd get up off our knees
Why then we'd see the forest for the trees
And we'd see the new sun rising
Over the hills on the horizon

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose faith
Give the world a chance to say...

A word or two, my friend
There's no telling how the day might end
And we'll never know until we see
That there's gold in them hills

There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start

There's gold in them hills...
There's gold in them hills...

What a lovely song from Coldplay. I listen to it whenever I am feeling upset and then I feel better, whenever I am feeling content and then I feel more content and happy. It is so nice to simplify things in life sometimes, when you realise that everything just boils down to a matter of perception. It is so easy to say that if you want the day to be a good day, it will be a good one. But harder to make it happen. I think what makes it easiest in the end is if you just lift it all up to Him.

I think I have finally decided what this 2nd blog should be about. I shall keep track of my spiritual growth here, and in a year's time, when I look back, I hope to see a positive change.

Prayer requests today
Default - Keep family and friends safe and healthy especially with some terrorist on the loose.
Personality-Be less sensitive to circumstances esecially when they do not matter.
Academics-To keep up and not be tempted to not study despite having so many people telling me uni is just a breeze and does not require studying at all to obtain good grades.
Misc-Je ne veux pas continuer de penser de quelq'un

mrs_purefoy @ 2008-02-10T18:21:00

2008-02-10T10:42:53Z

Qn: De quoi tu as envie? (What do you desire)

Ans: J'ai l'envie de l'envie. (I desire to have the desire)

In other words, I find that I do not desire Him enough. Spiritual growth is virtually nil since last year and this has been a huge worry on my mind. I do not find joy in reading the Word always, and sometimes it is more of a chore to do so than anything else. It is only when I have a major crisis can I draw near to Him and lean upon His strength. So perhaps I should pray for Him to throw more crises and trials my way.

Yet I have a host of problems that fill my mind every night before I go to sleep. They can be real or imagined but either way they do exist and contribute to the gnawing doubt at my own self worth every single day. Or even in my waking hours, on the bus alone, I will sink into depression as I worry about 1)school work 2)making good friends in NUS Choir 3)integrating into XS more 4)teaching my Sunday school kids 5)how I value the friendships of others more than they value mine 6)insert other random annoyances here such as not succeeding in getting rid of fats or wondering why the mirror dosen't crack when I peer into it in the morning to see an ugly face peering back.

When these negative thoughts flood my mind, it comes to a point where I actually shout at myself to shut the hell up, (yeah I always have two voices having conversations in my head because I have two sides to myself - one emotionally inclined and the other rational) because I hate being melancholy and whiny. Deep down I know I am better than a snivelling piece of waste. And most importantly, I know that when I complain or when I worry or when I fear, it just reflects on my lack of faith in God. The last argument usually succeeds in really shutting me up, but only for a while. Then it starts again until I get down to praying really hard.

2008, I hope would be a year that sees me growing spiritually by leaps and bounds, cutting away at the unecessary sensitivity and irrational inclination towards imaginary fears and a kinder person overall.

I seldom pry open my inner self and lay it bare for the world to see but I need to do this, and then move on, trust that He will provide for everything.

It really isn't easy being a Christian.

hm.

2007-05-19T15:13:12Z

I know when the passing fancy is starting to turn into more than passing when I start checking my phone every five minutes to see if there is a reply. =S. I always knew I was superficial, but didn't know I was that superficial.

And now on a much later afterthought, I know when the passing fancy has faded into oblivion when I realise I am repulsed towards certain things.

seemingly insignificant yet subtly potent

2007-05-02T13:34:04Z

I have been given a few threads, a bit of colour here and there, some are probably conjured up figments of imagination, gossamer like material that are easily blown away by the wind.

Still, at least enough to make one sturdy friendship band. That is for certain, and right now, I think it would be imprudent to ask for more.

But a vibrant tapestry of love? The type that I have been waiting my whole life to make? It may or may not be the right time to start, I do not know, I need guidance from Him.

I shall need stronger, more colourful pieces of material before I can actually start weaving. And a safe place to keep it, in case the worms of uncertainty, doubt and jealousy start to make appearances.

*

Ventured into a different world just the other day, saw myself in a situation I once thought I would never get into, and realised that in the dark of the night, senses dull and become less keen, convictions made in light of the day crumble in the face of peer pressure and circumstance, morals seem to melt and old prejudices vanish, the need to adhere to tradition loses its reasons and blurs with such an alarming rate that it dosen't seem alarming.

To be more explicit, I felt adventurous, and a sense of liberation that yearns to open the floodgates of passions, yet held back by strong walls of pragmatism and ethics. For a fleeting moment an immoral thought manifested itself in my mind, and it went along the lines of, "I do not mind having exotic flings with strangers."

I suddenly realised that I want to flirt with charming men, and be momentararily seduced by their potent charisma, be held captive in the false magic of the moment, to dive into that dangerously superficial world of short-lived satisfaction.

*

In response to people who call me a cynic, I present the following reasons in my own defense towards that ungrounded accusation.

1) I am too much of a romantic to be a cynic. I believe in true love, I believe that I will find my soul mate because of God's perfect plan for me.

2) I believe in God, I believe in the holy catholic (not Catholic) church and God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, that he died for our sins and ascended to heaven three days later. I believe in everlasting life with our wondrous God and that this life is but a childhood of our immortality. No cynic will believe in this.

3) I used to be a pure jaded soul who saw the downside in every situation except when in my own world. I know what it is like to be a cynic, which is why I am adamant that I am certainly not one now. I was selfish, motivated by my own desires only, caring not a whit about the world in general and chose to be persimmistic becuase I liked to pour cold water over the idealism of others. Now there are still streaks of that in me, but I am driven by other, more noble reasons. When I choose to point out the reality of the situation to friends, it is done out of love, a desire to prevent them from hurt, a wish to cushion any unpleasant effects by mentally preparing them. I do not do it because I like seeing their hopes crushed.

4) I see beauty in this world and I dwell in it as often as I can. Beauty in my religion, in my family and friends, in the simple pleasure of baking and chocolate tasting, in the fulfilment of materialism through shopping and in my obsession with LOTR. Cynics see nothing but darkness everywhere, they live in their own dark twisted world.

5) Lastly, no cynic would ever deny the fact that they are one. I deny it, therefore I am not one.

mrs_purefoy @ 2007-05-01T15:14:00

2007-05-01T07:29:36Z

I have found the most seductive, most sensual, most hedonistic driven picture on this earth.

This, my dear friends, is probably the only thing in the world that will induce in me a desire to strip, and dip into its warm and luxurious texture.

This is the ultimate heaven that can be found on earth. =)

Blissful daydream continues...

First up

2007-02-25T12:39:13Z

hi, this account has the main purpose of allowing me access to some people's blogs coughmichllecoughcharlenecough.

i may pose random stuff occasionally though. like my baking adventures. or bits of nonsensical poetry, the type that makes the real poets cringe in dismay and shun the person.

anyway.
that's all
love, rhoda